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Don’t Pay Attention To This Title!

Why positive language is important

Don’t Pay Attention To This Title!

Why does positive language matter?

Why positive language is important
The language you use matters! If somebody else spoke to you the way you speak to yourself - How would you feel about that person? If you wouldn’t like someone else speaking to you that way, why do you speak to yourself that way?

The Language We Use Is Powerful.

The way we speak has the ability to influence people and to produce results from ourselves and others that wouldn’t otherwise happen. Yet so often we use it to create results which are not what we would choose, normally without even realising we are doing it. Read on to explore the power and impact of positive language and some simple changes you can make which can have a profound impact.

Toxic Positivity

Positive language is about choosing words which focus on the outcome you desire rather than on avoiding the undesirable. Often when people talk about positive language they make reference to toxic positivity which you can read more about here.

Using positive language well is not about lying to yourself and saying everything is fine when it’s not. In reality – life is not all rainbows and kittens – so why pretend it is? It’s okay to not be okay and it’s unrealistic to expect for everything to always go your way. The key to an empowered life isn’t pretending everything is fin when it’s not but about choosing where to put your focus. If things aren’t perfect you don’t need to pretend they are but you can choose to focus on making it better.

Positive focus and especially positive language is about directing your attention not toward what you don’t want but toward ideal outcomes and how to achieve them.

Expectations Influence Results

There have been many studies showing that when people believe themselves to be ‘lucky’ they are more likely to spot opportunities that those considering themselves ‘unlucky’ miss. As Henry Ford famously said “Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.” It’s easy to talk about belief and share positive quote, but the key to creating a shift in those beliefs lies within the language we use.

It's All About Suggestion

Suggestions are around us all the time. Some blatant as a billboard advertising someone’s favourite ‘fast food’ and some more subtle that you may not even see as a suggestion. They all have the power to influence us

 Imagine yourself walking into a room full of people you know. Someone turns to you and says “Hi, you look great!” I recon you’d respond quite positively, maybe even just imagining that made you smile a little? Image the same situation but someone asks “Are you okay? You look tired.” Instantly, you are likely to feel more tired. It’s almost as if you do a mental scan of your body looking for signs that you are tired (but ignoring the signs that you are awake as irrelevant to the statement). You likely end up feeling worse and probably more tired.

In both of those examples above, the person speaking to you influenced using ‘suggestions’ with their choice of words (even if they didn’t mean to). Of course, someone you know has more impact than a billboard and the closer they are to you, the more impact they have. Your parents growing up, for example, probably had a greater impact with their words and actions as did anyone you gave ‘authority’ too. But there is one person who’s opinions have more impact on you than anyone else: YOU.

Listen To Yourself

When your language and the way that you speak to yourself spurs you on and encourages action you’re more likely to achieve far more than if you are pulling yourself down, beating yourself up and telling yourself you’ll never make it.

Because your own voice is internal, it has far more power than the words that other people use. It’s a little like having ten other people following you around repeating those words back to you. Would you be able to complete a task to your best ability with a group of people around you talking you down and berating you?

We often use language patterns that hold us back without even realise that we are doing it. Like when we tell a toddler to not kick off their boots and they go ahead and do just that. If we talk about how cozy their feet must feel in those boots, they are far more likely to keep those boots on. This is all easy for me to say, as someone who has studied human behaviour and psychology with over 15 years of practice in empowering people through the use of language but I want to make it easy for you to improve without the years of training and experience. Here are my top tips to improving your language:

Don't Say Don't

This is probably the simplest and most powerful change you can make to your language. Every time you say ‘don’t’ you are focusing on the very thing that you don’t want rather than the outcome you desire. For example, stop saying “Don’t Forget” and replace it with “Remember to…” It’s amazing the difference this small change can have. “Don’t run” becomes “Slow down” and “Don’t think about that pink elephant…” (you just thought of one, right?) Becomes “focus on this red hammer” instead (made you forget about the elephant again… until you read this sentence). There are other ‘don’t words’ too, like “stop” for example.

Anything that leads to you focusing on the thing you DON’T want can be instantly improved by changing it to the thing you DO want.

Always Avoid Always

Always is an absolute. The implication being that if you have ‘always’ struggled with this or ‘always’ been bad at that, you always will be. This is only true if you choose it to be. You could decide to turn that around and continue to get better at those things instead.

Never Say Never

Similar to always, ‘never’ feels very permanent and so, even if we are talking about the past, our mind has a tendency to project this into the future.

Try Not To Try

When you talk about things you did in the past you say you did them, when you talk about things that didn’t work out you may say you tried them. Why put the expectation of failure into your future? We all have a friend that will “try and make it” but not turn up, right? Follow Yoda’s advice on this one. “Do or do not, there is no try”

These are guidelines not rules. Use them to highlight opportunities to improve your language but remember…

No-one ever beat themselves up into being nicer to themselves.

If you notice your said “don’t forget” instead of focusing on remembering. Pause, smile and repeat the sentence in a positive way instead. Celebrating that you’ve noticed the opportunity to improve is far better than telling yourself off for the mistake. Mistakes are how you learn and each time you correct your language you are making it easier to notice and correct it in the future too.

 

Know someone else who could benefit from reading this? Go on… give it a share. 

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Boost Focus – Boost mood – Boost positivity

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Seasonal Affective Disorder

Do you find yourself experiencing lower mood and struggling with motivation during the darker months? You’re not alone! It could be seasonal affective disorder or just low mood influenced by the weather and shorter days. Either way hypnotherapy can be a powerful intervention as can the other tips that follow…

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What Are Cognitive Biases?

What Are Cognitive Biases?

What Are Cognitive Biases?

How to make better decisions...

What Are Cognitive Biases?
Would you love to make more rational decisions? Do you sometimes look back on the choices you've made or the things that you've said and wonder what on earth possessed you to act that way? Understanding Cognitive biases can help you to improve your decision making processes. Read on to discover how.

Would you love to make more rational decisions?

Do you sometimes look back on the choices you’ve made or the things that you’ve said and wonder what on earth possessed you to act that way?

To help you make more rational decisions, I’m going to help you discover the cognitive biases that are already affecting your decision-making processes.

Cognitive biases  have an enormous impact on our decision making and a huge impact on our lives. The best way to control for that impact is to be aware of it.

The more mindful of cognitive biases you become, the easier it is to pick up on them and you’ll be able to make more rational decisions. If you can account for, allow for and understand the impact of those biases, you can begin to take more control of the choices you are making.

What Are Cognitive Biases?

Cognitive biases are something that we all have, something that we all do as human beings, they are effectively shortcuts that help us make decisions.

Where Do Cognitive Biases Come From?

There’s a lot within how we act and how we behave that ties in with our caveman ancestors, our animalistic selves.

Part of what we are designed to do is preserve energy because we want to get the maximum gain possible for the minimum amount of effort.

Ultimately, our biggest driver is to survive and part of that is the three Fs: we need to feed, we need to fight (protect and defend ourselves and our tribe) and we need to fornicate to continue our bloodline (you didn’t think I would use a different ‘F-word’ did you?) Those are the things that matter most to us on that deeper subconscious level.

Our brains are one of the organs that take up the most energy, so we want to minimise the amount of unnecessary work for our brains. As animals one of the ways to reduce the amount of brain energy used is we take a lot of shortcuts. Some of these are simple, obvious ones that are quite sensible, but others we have taken a bit too far.

On a basic level, these shortcuts are building an understanding of the things around us and how they work, for example, sitting on a chair. Every time we see a chair, we know how to sit on it; we don’t have to look at it, examine it and work out how to use it.

What's The Downside Of Cognitive Biases?

We have taken these shortcuts beyond this basic level and in this modern world, things are more complicated than we were initially designed for. Thanks to our ability as humans to communicate and be self-aware, we have a great foundation with opportunities to grow and develop ourselves in any direction that we choose. A big part of us being self-aware is that we also make mistakes, we are fallible.

This leads us to cognitive biases, They come in to play when we need to make a decision. That could be a decision we don’t even realise is a decision, making a snap judgement about a person, or identifying something as a threat, all of which happens before we are consciously aware we are doing it.

We have certain structures and systems, shortcuts, in place to make the decision-making process easier for us. This evolved from really simple examples, like if someone is smiling, we assume they are happy and that makes them less of a threat.

These processes can get in our way as well, we can trip up and stumble over different things, which can get confusing. One of the most obvious examples of a cognitive bias is cognitive differentiation. An example is when we drive, we see loads of cars but we barely notice them unless the driving is poor and then we end the journey thinking that everyone was driving ‘like a nutter today’, completely forgetting all the drivers that were sensible. This is just one example of the many cognitive biases that are out there and lead us down different paths to making decisions.

Where Can You Find Out More About Cognitive Biases?

I’ll be regularly posting blogs  which will cover one bias in more detail each time, so make sure you are signed up to receive them all.

You can check out my YouTube channel for my videos on cognitive biases:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8H_l1_C5_gIgY6KF9dBzKQ

You can join my Facebook group:

https://www.facebook.com/MindAffinity

Feel like you keep making “Stupid Decisions”?

Check out my blog post: https://mindaffinity.co.uk/why-am-i-so-stupid

Watch the Cognitive Biases Introduction Video

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Spooking image

What Can Horror Films Teach Us About Anxiety?

Do you like scary movies? Have you ever considered that they could actually help you manage and reduce anxiety? Like them or not, there’s some great lessons we can learn from how we respond to them. Read on to find out more…

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Why Relying On Willpower Will Fail You

Change you habits without willpower

Why Relying On Willpower Will Fail You

With 9 Tips To Enjoy Positive Change

Change you habits without willpower
If you’re currently relying on willpower for something you may not want to read this. Reading this will make it much much harder to make the change you want to make if you’re relying on willpower alone. If willpower is working for you, please scroll on now (but come back to this if it doesn’t work out). If relying on willpower is hard work and you’re wondering why you’re “so weak” and keep giving in to temptation or habit then this blog is for you…

There I was, tucking into that third slice of cheesecake. It had been a long day and I had worked hard all week. Tomorrow was my day off and I was tired. I had told myself that I wouldn’t keep doing this. I needed to loose weight and get healthier but there I was having gone back for ANOTHER slice. But it’s okay, I’m tired and that means my willpower is weaker than normal. And I really have worked hard all week, I deserve this relaxation. Sat in front of the T.V. feeling full but still eating, I fool myself into believing that this IS what I really want and that I DO deserve it, even though I’m already aware of the regret and disapproval I’m feeling about my choices.

It’s important to be nice to yourself though and I know that willpower is limited, I can only do so much so I may as well forgive myself, go with it and try again tomorrow…

Except that’s simply not true. It’s all a myth and a great way to justify my choices. Hey, It leads to extra cheesecake so it can’t be all bad, right?

This is a familiar story. It may not be about food, maybe it’s quitting smoking, eating healthily or cutting out other bad habits. If you find yourself relying on willpower and struggling, there is another way. I know there is because it has worked for me and countless clients I have worked with.

What is willpower?

When people speak about willpower they are likely talking about it as a kind of determination to NOT do something. It’s something that takes energy and is required for you to ‘win’ a battle against some kind of drive, urge or habit. This is a very traditional way of looking at willpower but it’s based on the theory of ‘ego-depletion’ which gained scientific popularity in the 90s but is actually a bit outdated and inaccurate.

Willpower And Ego-Depletion

Ego-depletion is probably not a new idea to you, even if you’ve not heard it called that before. It’s simply the idea that as we go through the day we exhaust our limited mental energy reserve requited to maintain our self control and without it we run out of willpower. It makes sense, right? You can see how this would lead to bingeing on cheesecake at the end of a ‘long’ day.

There was a study conducted where subjects in a room with a plate of fresh cookies and a plate of radishes were instructed, as they waited for a puzzle, to eat either ONLY radishes or ONLY cookies. Not eating cookies being used as a way to ‘drain’ people’s resistance/willpower. The subjects were then asked to complete an impossible puzzle, Those who restricted themselves to only radishes gave up on the puzzle much quicker than those who had eaten the cookies.

It was concluded that this proved that we have a limited supply of willpower and that it depletes and decreases with overuse. Subjects had ‘used up’ all their will power by not eating to cookies and so gave up more quickly on the puzzle. Those that ate the cookies lasted longer as they had more willpower to commit to the task.

This study was a good one and the results have been supported in a number of studies and meta-analyses. There has been much further study based upon these findings BUT…

This has all be brought into question and a number of studies attempting to replicate the effects have not been able to do so. The initial meta-studies didn’t account for studies that weren’t published  and there have been a number of other concerns. Correlation (a link between two things) doesn’t always mean that one thing causes the other. BELIEVING that you can exhaust your willpower, however, has a great deal of influence over your decisions.

It turns out that this belief can be harmful in itself.

Set Yourself Up To Succeed

So if this traditional view of willpower and ego-depletion is so harmful – not least because you are effectively setting yourself up for failure, then what should you do instead?

I’ll break this down into some simple steps that can make it a lot easier to change your habits but before I do, let’s not gloss over the importance of the above. Realising that willpower doesn’t work in the way we think it does has the potential to be empowering in itself. We can free ourselves from being restricted by this limiting belief that we may not have even realised was holding us back. Isn’t that freeing in itself?

A New Way Of Thinking About Willpower

If we are no longer thinking about willpower as a limited energy which will ‘run out’ then we need a new way of thinking about it.

Willpower is more like an emotion. You can run out of Joy or sadness. You can’t have used up so much anger in the day that you have no choice but to smile at someone for punching you in the face. Much like other emotions, your beliefs and thoughts, your surroundings and circumstances and your chosen responses all work together to influence your willpower at any given moment.

If I don’t want to write a blog that I’ve been meaning to write, I’l easily find myself procrastinating and scrolling thorough Facebook. As with any other emotional state, it’s important to recognise how you are feeling. This gives you the chance to question and understand why you are feeling that way and what influences are acting upon you. It could be stress, hunger, boredom, or any number of other things that are acting upon you to influence how and why you are feeling that way. 

If I’m writing something that excites me, I don’t find myself running out of willpower to complete it or struggling to stay off social media. I just get stuck into what I’m doing and get lost in it. Before I know it, an hour or three have flown by and I’m still going.

Forget about willpower and setting yourself up for a fight and start creating the right positive influences around yourself and being more aware of what is having an impact on how you feel in that moment.

What To Rely On Instead Of Willpower

Here are some things you can do that will make it far easier to change your habits.

Focus On DOING Rather Than NOT DOING

If you spend your time and energy focusing on the things you DON’T want to be doing then don’t be surprised if you find yourself in a constant battle to not do it. Instead decide what you DO want to be doing instead. What activity can you replace the unwanted behaviour with that moves you closer to your goal rather than further from it. Make it enjoyable, make it something that you WANT to be doing.

Change The Way You Think

You can’t directly control how you feel, or even what you think in any given moment. You CAN influence yourself to think differently about things and in doing so, how you feel in certain situations. Remind yourself of your new outlook on willpower and use your new understanding to explore new thoughts and behaviours that support you better.

Believe In Yourself

Building your self belief will make it far easier to change your habits. This isn’t done through beating yourself up but through BUILDING yourself up. Remember to celebrate your wins and victories, look at what you HAVE achieved and know that you don’t need to fight yourself to get to the results you are working towards. You can and WILL get there, one step at a time.

Be Nicer To Yourself

The language you use and the way you talk about and to yourself have a huge impact on your ability to achieve positive change. Think about the way you talk to yourself and what changes you can make to be nicer to yourself. (Check back here soon for a post on how to do this better).

Make It Easy

Just because willpower doesn’t work the way we thought it did, doesn’t mean you should just leave things to chance and attempt to make you decisions when you have least energy and are at greatest risk. If you know that getting home from work has traditionally been a weak point for your healthy eating or that moment after a meal is when you are most likely to crave a smoke those are the times to target most. What can you do to replace the behaviours in those moments and what can you do IN ADVANCE to make those times easier for yourself?

Make It A Priority

There’s often so much going on in our busy modern lives that even the most basic self care can take a back seat. If you really want to make a change, make it a priority. What can you do first thing in the morning that builds a positive change? Start the day with it as a priority and it’s easier to maintain it. Plan around your new habit rather than trying to fit the change around everything else. MAKE it work. Decide in advance that it matters enough to do this.

Create Accountability

Sometimes just the act of telling the world that you are making a change can be enough to feel like you have some positive pressure to make it work. Use social media to make it public. Scary but powerful. Or find accountability though friends and family. Maybe a daily or weekly check-in with someone else who has a similar goal or wants accountability for their own goals could suit you well.

Mindset Is Everything

Your mindset around the changes you want to make plays a huge part in how easy it is to succeed. There are a number of things that you can to to maintain and improve on that including meditation, mindfulness and related things. You may find Relax Club to be an invaluable tool in helping you maintain your mindset and enjoy positive change. Find out more here.

Hypnotherapy

Of course, working one-to-one with a professional therapist with a wealth of experience in empowering people to enjoy positive change isn’t necessary for you. It could make things a lot quicker and easier for you though. If you’d like to find out more about how I can help you speed up the process and enjoy it more, book a free chat with me here.

Know Someone who could benefit from this blog post? Why not share it with them and help them to embrace positive change without the constant willpower battle.

The home of

Get a weekly burst of positivity and mindset-boosting activities!

 

Looking for a POSITIVE and SUPPORTIVE community on Facebook?

Click the image below to join now.

Arrange a chat or
book a consultation to see if
Duncan is the right person
to help you to
EMPOWER YOURSELF
and embrace positive change today.

Enjoy the benefits of hypnotic relaxation and professionally designed meditation tracks in the palm of your hand.

Sleep better – Feel better – Focus better
Boost Focus – Boost mood – Boost positivity

Check out my other articles:

Are you procrastinating sleep?

How To Overcome Sleep Procrastination

Looking to overcome sleep procrastination?
You’ve done it too, right? Stayed up to watch “just one more” episode on Netflix or just one more game on your phone and before you know it – it’s the early hours and you’re dragging yourself wirily to bed, already regretting your choices?

You’re not alone – but it doesn’t have to be that way.

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