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How Do I Change My Life?

How Do I Change My Life?

Change is a personal thing and we are all different but whether it's a small change to your daily habits or a complete overhaul of your life situation, these 6.5 steps will help you to create and maintain positive change for YOU.

We all have things we would like to change in our lives. Are you looking to make one BIG change in a specific area of your life? Maybe you want to build on and improve something you’re already doing but don’t seem to be achieving the progress you would like. It could be that you’re just not happy with your life situation and/or the person you are right now and are looking to change everything (in which case I would suggest focusing on a few specific things to move yourself forward).

Whatever you are looking to change and whatever there may be that you’re not happy with, the following steps form a great framework to help you create the focus and actions you need to make your goals a reality.

If you feel like you are ‘not good enough’ or the thing you really want to change most is YOU, then the following steps are even more important. Combine these with building your confidence and self belief and you really can achieve amazing results. If you’d like more help in creating positive change (and even enjoying the process) take the first step now by booking a free chat with me here.

The Six (and a half) Steps To Change Just About Anything…

There may be a whole range of different specific actions that you need to take to implement a specific change in your life but whatever it is that you want to change it all starts in the same place. Whether it’s eliminating an unhealthy habit, building and embedding a new one, becoming a better person or wanting a better life, it all starts in the same place…

1. Awareness

All effective change has to start with awareness. It is the most fundamental part of the process and yet it’s often the stage we are most resistant to. Whatever it is that you want to achieve you’ll find it far easier if you take the time to acknowledge things as they are first.

Growing your awareness can be uncomfortable at times. Sometimes it means recognising things that you’d would rather not focus on. With our awareness we always have three options available to us. We can choose to escape awareness: this may involve scrolling aimlessly through social media, playing games on a phone or zoning out in front of the tv. We can remain neutral and simply allow our attention to be dictated by our surroundings. Or, we can choose to increase our level of awareness. This is true for our self awareness as much as it is for our awareness of others and of situations around us.

A great example of the importance of awareness come from anxiety and panic attacks. Though it may seem like an extreme example I think it highlights the importance and power of acceptance nicely.

Often panic attacks often occur when there is SOMETHING uncomfortable, something undesirable, something difficult that we just don’t want to face (This could be the feelings of anxiety and worry in themselves). So we look away, we try to pretend it’s not a problem. We do whatever we can to shift our focus AWAY from the perceived problem. Unfortunately the problem doesn’t go away just because we are ignoring it. In fact, it just gets worse and the worry continues to grow. Eventually it reaches the stage where we can’t ignore it any longer and by then, the worry has grown so large that we are unable to ignore it any longer. By this point, when we are able to ignore it no longer, the worry has grown and it’s too ‘big’ an issue to do anything about. We feel like we have no control and that’s when the panic attack takes over. Imagine instead, taking the time earlier in the process to acknowledge the problem and decide to deal with it BEFORE it gets too much to handle.

How can we change anything if we don’t admit to ourselves that it needs to change?

Want to read more on awareness? Check out my article on How And Why To Increase Your Self Awareness.

Be intentional with your awareness.

2. Acceptance

Once you have awareness of the problem, the next step is to accept it for what it is. Acceptance of the way things are isn’t the same as settling for the way things are and it’s not about apportioning blame for the way things are. Whatever has already happened in the past has already happened. You CAN’T change the past. What you do have control over is what choice you make RIGHT NOW (like the decision to read this blog and put in to action what you learn). You can choose what you do next. Whatever has happened will never not have happened but it can lead you to somewhere better in the future.

You don’t need to consider things to be ‘desirable’ to accept them, you can love and accept yourself and still choose to improve and grow beyond that.

Example: Jane may not love her tummy as it is right now but she can accept it as it is, smile knowing that it’s a result of bringing her amazing children into this world and of having the ability to afford plenty of good food. Having accepted that it is as it is, she’s now ready to move forward and do something different.

Become aware of the way things are and accept everything for what it is. Only when you accept what is can you then identify the best way to change it. OF course, before you can actually put things in place to change it, there’s another step to take…

What to read more about acceptance and HOW to become more accepting? click here.

Embrace opportunities to accept things as they are.

3. Aspiration

Once you recognise and accept things as they, no matter how uncomfortable or undesirable they may be, you know what it is you want to change. The next step is to identify what you want instead.

For example: Someone wanted to quit smoking. They had the awareness that the habit was undesirable and they knew it would be better for their health if they quit. They accepted that the smoking had become a habit and that they did not want to continue it. They also realised and accepted that they had become an expert at making excuses for themselves and justifying ‘just finishing this packet’ or that “I can quit, I just don’t really want to yet” etc. If this person jumps ahead to the next step it will be harder for them to change their habits and behaviours because they will be focused on “giving up” smoking. Who really wants to work hard to give up something that they believe they enjoy? Taking some time to stop and become clear about what you really DO want – what you ASPIRE to – will make the process far easier and more enjoyable.

Rather than quitting smoking, focus on becoming smoke-free. Think about (and even visualise) what it will be like when you achieve the change you want to make. In this example it may be about having more energy, being able to exercise/play more without getting out of breath, enjoying uninterrupted time with friends or family in the warm (rather than not disrupting social events to go and have a smoke). You get the idea.

It’s different for everyone and every change but stop and get clear about what it is you really DO want. Focus on that and what you are moving toward rather than placing all your focus on what you are moving away from.

When you know where you want to be and keep you focus there, it’s a lot easy to get there and to notice when you’re course needs adjustment.

Want to read more about aspiration and how it can help you achieve your goals? Read my article here.

Be clear about what you want and aspire to be the person you need to be to make it happen.

4. Action

In the (paraphrased) words of Sir Issac Newton: An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

I think all of these steps are important and awareness has to come first on the list but without action the rest of these steps won’t get you to where you want to be. You’ve recognised (awareness) something that you consider undesirable, some kind of opportunity for growth, then you’ve accepted it as it is rather than denying the reality. You’ve decided what “good looks like” and the reality you want to create for yourself – GREAT! Now you need to take action!

You could sit and make an action plan, you could create daily habits that move you forward, you could reach out for some help and support form those around you or a professional like myself, There’s a whole load of different actions you can take depending on what you need most and what the change is that you wish to create but regardless of the details one thing is certain:

There is no change without ACTION.

4.5 Adjustment

After writing this I realised that there was another element to the process. Conveniently it also begins with an A.

The first three steps are in order but just because you were ready to move to step four doesn’t mean that you can forget all about the previous steps. It’s still important to maintain and increase awareness as this allows you to discover and learn more about yourself as you work through the ‘A’s. Keep learning as you go, driven by awareness, acceptance and aspiration. Take action to move things forward BUT… be prepared to make adjustments as you go. Keep learning and stay aware so that you can make sure you’re still on track and that you still have the same aspiration. Particularly with bigger, long-term changes it’s possible that the process of change may uncover new learnings and new opportunities for greater awareness that may impact your aspirations. 

Sometimes the best adjustment you can make is to your own thinking.

5. Achievement

With the right actions built from a place of awareness and acceptance, focused on what you aspire to and adjusted as needed to get you the results you desire, comes achievement.

There’s a good chance that there will be a number of different moments and levels of achievement along the way too. It’s not just about the end result. Remember to notice, enjoy and celebrate these achievements. Most of us are very well practiced at beating ourselves up and focusing on the things that we didn’t do so well. Remember to embrace your achievements as you go and recognise the results of the effort and focus you put in.

Celebrate your achievements with pride! 

6. Assessment

Congratulations. You achieved something. You have moved yourself forward you have created change. The journey isn’t over yet though. What you have now is greater experience and better understanding of yourself and of what it takes to generate change. Keep going and continue the great work you have put in and keep learning. By assessing the process and recognising the progress you can increase your awareness further. You can learn what worked well and what you can do better in the future.

Personal Growth is a life-long journey.

Are You Ready To Change?

The chances are, if you are reading this article (and especially if you stayed with me to this point) that you have already attempted to make some sizeable changes to your life. Realistically, you’ve probably succeeded to make some changes too. But that’s not why you’re here, you’re reading this because there’s a change (or series of changes) that you want to make and haven’t yet nailed it. That’s okay. (You may also want to check out my article about why relying on willpower alone doesn’t work)

One of the key factors to your success will come down to whether you believe that you’re capable of influencing events in your life enough to create the desired change. The good news is – you absolutely CAN make it happen. If you would like further support in making that a reality, especially if you’re looking for help building your own self-confidence and belief in being able to attain the positive results you’re looking for, get in touch to find out how Mind Affinity can help you to Empower Yourself.

You may also want to check out my older article about the six areas of focus that will help you improve your life.

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What Are Cognitive Biases?

What Are Cognitive Biases?

What Are Cognitive Biases?

How to make better decisions...

What Are Cognitive Biases?
Would you love to make more rational decisions? Do you sometimes look back on the choices you've made or the things that you've said and wonder what on earth possessed you to act that way? Understanding Cognitive biases can help you to improve your decision making processes. Read on to discover how.

Would you love to make more rational decisions?

Do you sometimes look back on the choices you’ve made or the things that you’ve said and wonder what on earth possessed you to act that way?

To help you make more rational decisions, I’m going to help you discover the cognitive biases that are already affecting your decision-making processes.

Cognitive biases  have an enormous impact on our decision making and a huge impact on our lives. The best way to control for that impact is to be aware of it.

The more mindful of cognitive biases you become, the easier it is to pick up on them and you’ll be able to make more rational decisions. If you can account for, allow for and understand the impact of those biases, you can begin to take more control of the choices you are making.

What Are Cognitive Biases?

Cognitive biases are something that we all have, something that we all do as human beings, they are effectively shortcuts that help us make decisions.

Where Do Cognitive Biases Come From?

There’s a lot within how we act and how we behave that ties in with our caveman ancestors, our animalistic selves.

Part of what we are designed to do is preserve energy because we want to get the maximum gain possible for the minimum amount of effort.

Ultimately, our biggest driver is to survive and part of that is the three Fs: we need to feed, we need to fight (protect and defend ourselves and our tribe) and we need to fornicate to continue our bloodline (you didn’t think I would use a different ‘F-word’ did you?) Those are the things that matter most to us on that deeper subconscious level.

Our brains are one of the organs that take up the most energy, so we want to minimise the amount of unnecessary work for our brains. As animals one of the ways to reduce the amount of brain energy used is we take a lot of shortcuts. Some of these are simple, obvious ones that are quite sensible, but others we have taken a bit too far.

On a basic level, these shortcuts are building an understanding of the things around us and how they work, for example, sitting on a chair. Every time we see a chair, we know how to sit on it; we don’t have to look at it, examine it and work out how to use it.

What's The Downside Of Cognitive Biases?

We have taken these shortcuts beyond this basic level and in this modern world, things are more complicated than we were initially designed for. Thanks to our ability as humans to communicate and be self-aware, we have a great foundation with opportunities to grow and develop ourselves in any direction that we choose. A big part of us being self-aware is that we also make mistakes, we are fallible.

This leads us to cognitive biases, They come in to play when we need to make a decision. That could be a decision we don’t even realise is a decision, making a snap judgement about a person, or identifying something as a threat, all of which happens before we are consciously aware we are doing it.

We have certain structures and systems, shortcuts, in place to make the decision-making process easier for us. This evolved from really simple examples, like if someone is smiling, we assume they are happy and that makes them less of a threat.

These processes can get in our way as well, we can trip up and stumble over different things, which can get confusing. One of the most obvious examples of a cognitive bias is cognitive differentiation. An example is when we drive, we see loads of cars but we barely notice them unless the driving is poor and then we end the journey thinking that everyone was driving ‘like a nutter today’, completely forgetting all the drivers that were sensible. This is just one example of the many cognitive biases that are out there and lead us down different paths to making decisions.

Where Can You Find Out More About Cognitive Biases?

I’ll be regularly posting blogs  which will cover one bias in more detail each time, so make sure you are signed up to receive them all.

You can check out my YouTube channel for my videos on cognitive biases:

You can join my Facebook group:

Feel like you keep making “Stupid Decisions”?

Check out my blog post:

Watch the Cognitive Biases Introduction Video

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Why Relying On Willpower Will Fail You

Change you habits without willpower

Why Relying On Willpower Will Fail You

With 9 Tips To Enjoy Positive Change

Change you habits without willpower
If you’re currently relying on willpower for something you may not want to read this. Reading this will make it much much harder to make the change you want to make if you’re relying on willpower alone. If willpower is working for you, please scroll on now (but come back to this if it doesn’t work out). If relying on willpower is hard work and you’re wondering why you’re “so weak” and keep giving in to temptation or habit then this blog is for you…

There I was, tucking into that third slice of cheesecake. It had been a long day and I had worked hard all week. Tomorrow was my day off and I was tired. I had told myself that I wouldn’t keep doing this. I needed to loose weight and get healthier but there I was having gone back for ANOTHER slice. But it’s okay, I’m tired and that means my willpower is weaker than normal. And I really have worked hard all week, I deserve this relaxation. Sat in front of the T.V. feeling full but still eating, I fool myself into believing that this IS what I really want and that I DO deserve it, even though I’m already aware of the regret and disapproval I’m feeling about my choices.

It’s important to be nice to yourself though and I know that willpower is limited, I can only do so much so I may as well forgive myself, go with it and try again tomorrow…

Except that’s simply not true. It’s all a myth and a great way to justify my choices. Hey, It leads to extra cheesecake so it can’t be all bad, right?

This is a familiar story. It may not be about food, maybe it’s quitting smoking, eating healthily or cutting out other bad habits. If you find yourself relying on willpower and struggling, there is another way. I know there is because it has worked for me and countless clients I have worked with.

What is willpower?

When people speak about willpower they are likely talking about it as a kind of determination to NOT do something. It’s something that takes energy and is required for you to ‘win’ a battle against some kind of drive, urge or habit. This is a very traditional way of looking at willpower but it’s based on the theory of ‘ego-depletion’ which gained scientific popularity in the 90s but is actually a bit outdated and inaccurate.

Willpower And Ego-Depletion

Ego-depletion is probably not a new idea to you, even if you’ve not heard it called that before. It’s simply the idea that as we go through the day we exhaust our limited mental energy reserve requited to maintain our self control and without it we run out of willpower. It makes sense, right? You can see how this would lead to bingeing on cheesecake at the end of a ‘long’ day.

There was a study conducted where subjects in a room with a plate of fresh cookies and a plate of radishes were instructed, as they waited for a puzzle, to eat either ONLY radishes or ONLY cookies. Not eating cookies being used as a way to ‘drain’ people’s resistance/willpower. The subjects were then asked to complete an impossible puzzle, Those who restricted themselves to only radishes gave up on the puzzle much quicker than those who had eaten the cookies.

It was concluded that this proved that we have a limited supply of willpower and that it depletes and decreases with overuse. Subjects had ‘used up’ all their will power by not eating to cookies and so gave up more quickly on the puzzle. Those that ate the cookies lasted longer as they had more willpower to commit to the task.

This study was a good one and the results have been supported in a number of studies and meta-analyses. There has been much further study based upon these findings BUT…

This has all be brought into question and a number of studies attempting to replicate the effects have not been able to do so. The initial meta-studies didn’t account for studies that weren’t published  and there have been a number of other concerns. Correlation (a link between two things) doesn’t always mean that one thing causes the other. BELIEVING that you can exhaust your willpower, however, has a great deal of influence over your decisions.

It turns out that this belief can be harmful in itself.

Set Yourself Up To Succeed

So if this traditional view of willpower and ego-depletion is so harmful – not least because you are effectively setting yourself up for failure, then what should you do instead?

I’ll break this down into some simple steps that can make it a lot easier to change your habits but before I do, let’s not gloss over the importance of the above. Realising that willpower doesn’t work in the way we think it does has the potential to be empowering in itself. We can free ourselves from being restricted by this limiting belief that we may not have even realised was holding us back. Isn’t that freeing in itself?

A New Way Of Thinking About Willpower

If we are no longer thinking about willpower as a limited energy which will ‘run out’ then we need a new way of thinking about it.

Willpower is more like an emotion. You can run out of Joy or sadness. You can’t have used up so much anger in the day that you have no choice but to smile at someone for punching you in the face. Much like other emotions, your beliefs and thoughts, your surroundings and circumstances and your chosen responses all work together to influence your willpower at any given moment.

If I don’t want to write a blog that I’ve been meaning to write, I’l easily find myself procrastinating and scrolling thorough Facebook. As with any other emotional state, it’s important to recognise how you are feeling. This gives you the chance to question and understand why you are feeling that way and what influences are acting upon you. It could be stress, hunger, boredom, or any number of other things that are acting upon you to influence how and why you are feeling that way. 

If I’m writing something that excites me, I don’t find myself running out of willpower to complete it or struggling to stay off social media. I just get stuck into what I’m doing and get lost in it. Before I know it, an hour or three have flown by and I’m still going.

Forget about willpower and setting yourself up for a fight and start creating the right positive influences around yourself and being more aware of what is having an impact on how you feel in that moment.

What To Rely On Instead Of Willpower

Here are some things you can do that will make it far easier to change your habits.

Focus On DOING Rather Than NOT DOING

If you spend your time and energy focusing on the things you DON’T want to be doing then don’t be surprised if you find yourself in a constant battle to not do it. Instead decide what you DO want to be doing instead. What activity can you replace the unwanted behaviour with that moves you closer to your goal rather than further from it. Make it enjoyable, make it something that you WANT to be doing.

Change The Way You Think

You can’t directly control how you feel, or even what you think in any given moment. You CAN influence yourself to think differently about things and in doing so, how you feel in certain situations. Remind yourself of your new outlook on willpower and use your new understanding to explore new thoughts and behaviours that support you better.

Believe In Yourself

Building your self belief will make it far easier to change your habits. This isn’t done through beating yourself up but through BUILDING yourself up. Remember to celebrate your wins and victories, look at what you HAVE achieved and know that you don’t need to fight yourself to get to the results you are working towards. You can and WILL get there, one step at a time.

Be Nicer To Yourself

The language you use and the way you talk about and to yourself have a huge impact on your ability to achieve positive change. Think about the way you talk to yourself and what changes you can make to be nicer to yourself. (Check back here soon for a post on how to do this better).

Make It Easy

Just because willpower doesn’t work the way we thought it did, doesn’t mean you should just leave things to chance and attempt to make you decisions when you have least energy and are at greatest risk. If you know that getting home from work has traditionally been a weak point for your healthy eating or that moment after a meal is when you are most likely to crave a smoke those are the times to target most. What can you do to replace the behaviours in those moments and what can you do IN ADVANCE to make those times easier for yourself?

Make It A Priority

There’s often so much going on in our busy modern lives that even the most basic self care can take a back seat. If you really want to make a change, make it a priority. What can you do first thing in the morning that builds a positive change? Start the day with it as a priority and it’s easier to maintain it. Plan around your new habit rather than trying to fit the change around everything else. MAKE it work. Decide in advance that it matters enough to do this.

Create Accountability

Sometimes just the act of telling the world that you are making a change can be enough to feel like you have some positive pressure to make it work. Use social media to make it public. Scary but powerful. Or find accountability though friends and family. Maybe a daily or weekly check-in with someone else who has a similar goal or wants accountability for their own goals could suit you well.

Mindset Is Everything

Your mindset around the changes you want to make plays a huge part in how easy it is to succeed. There are a number of things that you can to to maintain and improve on that including meditation, mindfulness and related things. You may find Relax Club to be an invaluable tool in helping you maintain your mindset and enjoy positive change. Find out more here.


Of course, working one-to-one with a professional therapist with a wealth of experience in empowering people to enjoy positive change isn’t necessary for you. It could make things a lot quicker and easier for you though. If you’d like to find out more about how I can help you speed up the process and enjoy it more, book a free chat with me here.

Know Someone who could benefit from this blog post? Why not share it with them and help them to embrace positive change without the constant willpower battle.